Monday, April 7, 2008

Cramp in my style YO

Ok, so I don't consider myself a shy person, not the most outgoing of the outgoers, but certaintly not awkward or uncomfortable in new or different social situations. But last night, I realized something that I've been doing lately, which was startling, to say the least. After a failed attempt to go see a performance in northeast portland from a really cool group, we ended up at Kell's for a quick bite to eat, (going home would have been so anti-climactic... I know right?). So we're sitting chatting and sharing a quesadilla and I realize that I am having the hardest time making continual eye contact! Like for reals, a hard time! I had no idea why, I just couldn't. I found myself talking but not looking at the person across from me, or intermittently looking at the wall or the bartenders or whatever. And I don't know if it was because there was someone there I didn't know well (and you know how you don't want to give too much attention to someone you've just met, that would be weird, especially when they're of the male sort) or if I was just uncomfortable. I thought maybe it was because I'm such a people observer extrordanaire, but it was Kells on a sunday night, not exactly hoppin. And then I realized that another time, when out with a really good friend, I was doing it also, and she asked if I was ok. And I had to force myself to snap out of it. What is the deal? It's freaking me out. And its more noticable now that I'm aware. Have I been doing this awhile, or eek maybe forever, and not realizing it? And people have just failed to tell me? Thanks a lot people! Or maybe I'm just over analyzing. I do tend to be a fat worry wart most of the time, let's be real, so maybe I just need to go fill up my waterbottle, go to the gym, and stop creating more wrinkles.



Hanley said...

I caught myself doing that to, and for awhile, noticing it made it worse. For me, I think it was a product of my speech training, making sure to make momentary contact with several people in the crowd, spread your attention. . . but i think also. . . I'll try not to get too deep in a simple comment, but I think we are being groomed to keep our eyes down, if that makes sense. As a society, and I'll borrow a phrase from a band i'm in the process of obsessing over, we're in the "era of the exposed" in that everything from corrupt politicians to what we ate for dinner has the potential to become water-cooler chat. And this makes us nervous, if, through the internet an anonymous person can know my favorite band (which for many is a very personal item of information) what can someone I care about find out from a simple glance of the eyes.

I don't know. I'm just blabbing. But you've got me thinking.

Also, I've been told my whole life that everything I feel is written across my face in bold sharpie. Everyone from teacher's to my parents to my boyfriend to people I meet on the bus seem to know, after three seconds in my presences what I'm feeling. . . so I went through a period where I protected myself by trying to stay neutral, keep my glances short, my comments calm, my opinions shallow. . .

However, the closer i get to graduating, to studying abroad, the more I'm thinking. . . fuck it. It's true I don't have a sensor, I say politically incorrect things, I have politically incorrect feelings, and I'm not always happy, but you know. . . at least I'm honest. My face, if nothing else, forces me to be honest, because even I'm lying, my eyes aren't.


How's that for a blog answer, or what?

*********************** said...

Is this a date we're referring to? Because if it is, we have way more to talk about than I thought!
Ya know, our culture is the only one who puts this much emphasis on eye contact?
I say, know when to use it. It isn't always necessary or super comfortable, but then again, I always find interaction with the male specimen awkward and throw up worthy, so there you go.